How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “1…2…1…2…1…2…”
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “What’s a light bulb?”
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, and two to complain about how bad General Electric’s customer support is.
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s what interns are for.
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: “If you just turn the other dimmers down a bit, the client won’t even notice that the bulb has gone out.”
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to operate the dimmer and one to say “A little too bright – turn it down.”
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Well, first we need to evaluate how it will affect the artistic integrity of the piece to be played in the dark or in the light…”
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “I don’t know, how many engineers did it take at [rival-studio]?”
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain about the lack of high-end on the ladder.
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They’ll just fix it in the mix.
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: First they have to determine if it an analog bulb or a digital bulb.
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “It’s in the manual. You DID READ THE MANUAL, DIDN’T YOU?”
Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: “That’s lighting. I only do audio.”
Q. How many audio engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but the new bulb will have to be biased and calibrated and it’ll take about two hours.
Annoying drums
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some “real” musical instruments.
He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion.”
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies, “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay”.
Two girls are walking along when they hear… “Psst! Down here!” They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, “Hey, if you kiss me I’ll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!”
The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, “What did you do that for?” The first replied, “I’m not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!”
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks “Wow, this is cool.” He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can’t sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, “Hey! What’s with these drums. Don’t they ever stop? I can’t get any sleep.”
The manager says, “No! Drums must never stop. It’s very bad if drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When drums stop, bass solo begins.”
General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, “General, I don’t like the sound of those drums.” From over in the hills came a voice yelling, “It’s not our regular drummer.”
Vocalists
Heard backstage: “Will the musicians and the vocalist please come to the stage!”
Tour bus
Twelve things you will never hear on a musician’s tour bus:
- Shouldn’t we go back for the drummer?
- Oh no you don’t! It’s my turn to clean the bathroom.
- Go roll ’em down the aisle all you want. They’re only cymbals.
- So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
- No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
- Twenty per cent? Our manager should get at least 30 per cent!
- Why is there porn in the VCR?
- Checkmate!
- Can you believe all the money we’re getting?
- Boy, I can’t wait till we get to Doncaster! (Omaha if you are in the USA)
- No thanks, I don’t want another beer.
- Ladies, I need to see some proof of age, please.
Why guitars are better than men
- Guitars don’t snore.
- Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
- Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
- Guitars don’t come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
- You don’t have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
- Guitars don’t have to prove anything.
- Guitars don’t try to change you once you’ve bought them.
- Second-hand Guitars don’t go to see previous owners when you’re out of town.
- Guitars don’t have egos.
- You don’t have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
- Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it’s a Guitar.
- Your Guitar never spends a “night out with the Guitars” and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard.
Why guitars are better than women
- You can share your Guitar with your friends.
- Guitars don’t care how many other Guitars you’ve played
- Guitars don’t care if you look at other Guitars.
- Guitars don’t care if you buy Guitar magazines.
- Your Guitar doesn’t care if you never listen to it.
- Your Guitar won’t care if you leave the toilet seat up.
- Your parents won’t remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
- Guitars don’t insult you if you’re a bad player.
- Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
- You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.